3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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