I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
