sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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