you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
