I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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