I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
