my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
