My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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