Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
