She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
