she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
