take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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