Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im holly from the hills drunk
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
