youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
