she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
it glows. i had to have it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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