Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
