He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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