I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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