Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
