I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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