I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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