if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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