i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
