This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ketchup is God's man juice
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
