We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
