Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
