I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was born a porn star she said
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
