he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
