I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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