how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
