there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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