Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
