You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
