I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
