So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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