I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You took a bar mat shot.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
