he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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