Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
