Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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