Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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