I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
