Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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