Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
