new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
