I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
