Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I need a beard to bite.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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