I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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