If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
