Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
