hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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