Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
